Follow along with me here. Has a hot girl ever caught your eye, where you find yourself staring a little longer than you normally would. Perhaps a few thoughts run through your head about how hot she is. Maybe next you have some thoughts about wanting to meet her.. or *clears throat* something sexual may even flitter through your mind.
At the thought of approaching her.. perhaps you notice that.. the rate of your breathing has changed.. as you take a breath you feel your heart beating faster. You might become aware that your palms start to sweat a little. Or maybe you just remain cool.. calm.. and collected. Either way, at some instance after you first noticed her there is a fork in your emotional road. One path leads to a conversation, and the other guarantees going home alone. Whether or not you feel “Entitlement” may be playing an important role here.
Oh look.. I just popped the word, “Entitlement” into your head. Hmm, hold that thought as I’m going to talk about it in a moment.
If you’ve ever been around men who are confident with women, then you’ll notice how they tend to go for it at every chance they get. Nothing holds them back. They experience attraction or desire, and that’s all they need to start up a conversation. Such a guy always tries to push things forwards. While you’re still fumbling around in emotional decision making they’re chatting away likes it’s easy!
Do they get the girl every time? Certainly not. Regardless though of any type approach or attitude one takes, meeting women is still a numbers game. If you never approach you’re going to have no success.. period. The more interactions you have, the better your odds of getting anywhere. Similarly, learning how to gauge a woman’s level of interest essentially comes from having more and more interactions with them.
Consider opening a tool that is necessary for developing your Social Intuition. Say a man experiences one thousand interactions with women. He will learn from this greatly, in ways both within and out of his conscious awareness. He will subconsciously start repeating what gives him good responses. He also has the ability to consciously reflect on each encounter and learn from it, especially if he used his intent to open up his awareness throughout those conversations. Ideally he would abstractly review the encounter in his analytical mind, thereby removing any emotional attachments he might otherwise have had.
Not having a healthy review process is where many guys fail. Instead of the abstract, emotionally detached approach, they beat themselves up about every minor detail while cycling through replays in their mind. It’s no wonder some guys have approach anxiety when they torment themselves so much.
One of my goals when coaching is to snap guys out of that negative cycle, and help them program in a healthy review process.
Making a decision to start more conversations with women will profoundly improve your success rate. Do so while maintaining a heightened sense of awareness and your Social Intuition will progress far more rapidly. Over time you will instinctively be making minor adjustments to your verbal and non-verbal communication to tune into her good responses. Through trial and error you will move naturally towards what works for you to elicit better reactions from women. Women love men that are used to being around other women. Through developing this social intuition you will come across more natural and comfortable when having a casual conversation with a girl.
Having Leverage On Yourself
I was having an interesting chat with one of my wings with recently. He said that I was unusual in the way that I stuck with learning, and practicing even when I wasn’t getting the results that I wanted. He said that from his time in the community most guys will get disillusioned and quit. He put it stronger by saying that most guys just can’t deal with getting pummeled on a regular basis from all of the rejections, before they get to the point where they really get it, and start seeing consistent positive results.
So I described to him my motivation to keep going. It wasn’t a strong desire to have sex with swimsuit models, although who wouldn’t want that. Yes, wanting hotter women was a factor, but not the factor which kept me going.
My emotional leverage was actually comprised almost entirely of negative feelings. I was so completely miserable that I didn’t want to live the rest of my life that way. For a long time I came off creepy using too much NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming,) I used a lot of canned game, peacocked far too much a lot of the time, and eventually I did start seeing some good responses, but It took me a long time before those smiles, and laughs turned into me actually dating or sleeping with the girls that I was meeting.
I’m talking in terms of getting comfortable with casual conversations first, because I’m directing this advice to guys who are currently too nervous or anxious around women to be making a good first impression. Removing outcome dependancy allows you to stop being goal oriented, such that you stop thinking (for the time being) about getting her number or having her as a girlfriend, and you start to enjoy the process. Enjoy being in the moment with her. This will allow you to relax a little. If you can’t convey qualities about yourself through a casual and comfortable conversation, your flirtatious interactions will also be very limited.
In unfamiliar situations people often feel some anxiety, which is actually a healthy part of our emotional circuitry. It makes us more aware, so that we can learn how to better deal with new circumstances. If you feel uncomfortable approaching a girl in a quiet coffee shop for instance, then the best thing to do is to feel the fear and do it anyway. Keep doing this to desensitize to the new experience. Of course there are tactics one can use to make things easier, having a canned opener being a prime example.
For those of you who have a lot of anxiety to deal with, then it would be best to practice approaching by just making a friendly or polite comment. You don’t have to be pursuing the girl when desensitizing to the experience. It’s more important to build positive reinforcement. If you don’t already have a history of memories in your mind of good responses from women in this particular situation, then it’s important to create those memories. Developing a series of positive memories in your mind leads to the feelings of real confidence.
(Reference article – write up another article “What Is Confidence” talk about visualization, and mental rehearsal for success, and then building a history in your mind.. I answered that in email or myspace or facebook? find that to use for content)
A good example is just smiling as you pass her while casually saying, “How’s it going? My day’s fantastic!” Then you have the option to turn away and put some milk in your coffee. You might just find though that she gives you some signals to keep the conversation going. Do this enough times, and you will naturally start to feel much more confident talking to women in these situations. Why? Because you’ll have a series of memories in your mind of different women smiling back at you, while telling their day is fine.
(building a story in your mind to support the belief system)
A lot of men are starting from the point of only having negative responses from women. They have a lot of information in their mind to support their negative self image or negative beliefs of how women feel about them. Wouldn’t it be better if when you see an attractive women your mind references positive experiences. Don’t you think that perhaps there is at least the slightest chance that building a positive history in your mind of good interactions will make you feel better about starting a conversation? Following this logic isn’t it also feasible that the interactions are more likely to get off to a better start.
(Self fulfilling prophecy theory as in what the thinker thinks and the prover proves.)
One quick concept about failure. Stop beating yourself up if a girl gives you a less than ideal response. I think I once saw Ted Turned (billionaire, philanthropist, and media mogul) (link) talking about how he doesn’t think of anything as failure, instead he likes to think of it as learning how to be successful.
Okay, let’s get back to that fork in the road. Let’s consider the latter outcome of not saying anything. What leads to our not saying anything?
emotions.. heart beat.. beliefs.. self talk…
Now consider the confident man who instantly starts up a conversation. Do you think perhaps he feels any sense of Entitlement? Is it possible that he feels worthy of getting the girl?
My guess if that any guy who let’s any nervousness stop him from talking to women doesn’t feel that he is entitled to get her in the first place. If that is the case for you then there are perhaps some core beliefs that you may want to focus on reframing.
– I’m not attractive enough for her
– What would she want with a loser like me
– I’m not rich enough for her
– She deserves better than me
– I’m not worthy
– I deserve to be with a girl like that
– She will enjoy meeting me
– Women always give me good responses
– I’m a great boyfriend
– I’m a catch
– I wonder what she has to offer other than her looks?
Caveat.. if you are a complete slob then feeling unworthy of a stunning well maintained, and intelligent woman is probably justified. So there is some additional effort needed on your part to improve yourself in other areas… (put the caveat in a video like with Seduce Her In The Zone)
(Familiarity with the experience.. and learning, or programming positive emotions reinforcement. Desensitizing to the unknown, or new situation.)
Our beliefs about ourselves, how others perceive us, and specifically our level of entitlement are going to affect the outcome of meeting this girl big time! Entitlement, hmm let’s keep that in your mind, as I’m going to talk more about it in a moment.
Entitlement, self talk, inner game, beliefs.. affect outcome big time.
What it boils down to is that the beliefs you have in your head, will influence your self talk (internal dialogue.. that voice in your head), which will in turn affect your emotional state, which triggers your actual behaviors, and therefore creates the outcome.
(Talk a little about having leverage on yourself also)
Did you see the movie “School For Scoundrels,” with xxxx? (add amazon link)
I find it funny, and it actually has too many references to PUA bootcamps to be a coincidence. I’m sure some guy involved in the screenplay has been to one of Matador’s bootcamps. There is a whole section in the movie about being the lion.
“What makes the Lion the king of the jungle?” …It’s Roar!
“the lions most powerful weapon is his roar. It is the roar which enables the lion to take what is rightfully his”
Be the lion..
He even shows a slide of a lion.. this is where the connection comes in.. Matador used to show a slide of (affiliate link to venusian arts)
I find it Funny but there is a lot to be said for Feeling Entitlement. If you don’t you may have to catch yourself, when you start to talk yourself out of opening a girl, or making a move.. and act as if.